So, the other day was my birthday…

and I turned 34. Boo yah. I’ve been a bit down since then, lost my momentum somehow.

Things with the band have been going well. Now that I’ve got a good level of restriction I’m losing about 1 – 1.5kg a week. But I’m just not feeling it at the moment.

I had been going so well with the gym, 3 -4 visits a week, a low impact class every 2 weeks or so, a personal training session, visible evidence of increased fitness and tone – the natural exercise high turned up to MAX. Then poof! it’s all gone. I just feel flat and washed out. I looked at myself in the mirror and a little voice said – “who do you think you’re kidding, you’re still fat, you’ve got years to go”. Reality bites.

The day after…

I was first on the list yesterday morning, we were up at 5:30am to shower and get organised and off to the hospital. By 8am I had been prepped, changed, stocking’d, IV’d and was lying in theatre being told to go to sleep smiling so I could wake up smiling.

I was very hot when I woke up, and my legs were being inflated and deflated on about a 30 second cycle. What appeared to be calf/knee/thigh pressure cuffs were around my legs and in conjunction with the TED stockings were supposed to prevent blood clots. Strange feeling.

Once up in the ward I started to feel the pain, so I got some panadol. Woo hoo. The first one was given to me whole and I duly swallowed it…and it sat like a giant brick in my stomach until I had a few more sips of water and I could almost feel it dissolving.

Then I slept and dozed on and off for the rest of the night. Only to wake up at 3am to discover my period had started. This isn’t usually a problem – however for me my period is accompanied by bad bloating, GAS and constipation. Greeeeat…like I need extra GAS problems.  Bowels open at 3:30pm – which is good, I’ve heard stories of people waiting four, five days even a week just to fart! let alone poo, so I’m glad I was able to do both from the outset.  On Friday afternoon I did start taking Degas though, because I remembered from when I had my appendix out the gas was the worst pain ever, and the degas is making a big difference.

I was home this morning (Friday) and have been sipping liquids and sleeping on an off for most of the day. I’m still in quite a lot of pain – mostly around the port site and in a band across my chest and up into my left shoulder – the dreaded shoulder tip pain. That is actually the worst of it…because it’s a “take your breath” away kind of pain and every time it washes over me I feel a little faint.

I filled out my weights and measures book on Wednesday night, and was pleased to note that I was 140kg pre optifast and on the morning of surgery was 133kg. I’m happy with that. Let’s hope it’s a sign of things to come.

Blair said the surgery went well, no complications, liver small and sturdy, no nicks, cuts or anything else untoward. I’m just looking forward to the shoulder/chest pain to go away.

psychologist, tick.

I saw the psychologist today. Last week I finally sent back the surveys, questionnaires and other assorted forms and tests he had sent to me. I agonised long and hard over every question, scared that I’d inadvertently say or indicate something that I hadn’t intended or cast me in an “unsuitable” light.

I needn’t have bothered. He had given the info a cursory glance – but advised he incorporates them into his work up after our initial session. That made me feel good – although initially I was a bit irked because I had spent so much time on the forms – and he so clearly hadn’t even bothered to read them!

Our session went for about an hour and 40 minutes. Which I felt was extremely generous – I had expected to see him for about 45mins perhaps an hour at the most. Our discussion was far reaching and he put me instantly at ease.

It was great to speak to someone unbiased and impartial but with a deep understanding of the issues and circumstance surrounding obesity, weightloss and Lap-Band surgery.

We will meet again 6 weeks post-op. I’m really starting to feel as though I’m on my way.

I still have some nagging questions I want to put to Blair though, I am in two minds about whether to make an appointment or to just wait until my pre-surgery consultation and ask the questions then.

My specific questions relate to the band itself, it’s longevity, whether it has a warranty (I know, I’m crazy!) and what happens if revision surgery is required that is clearly because the band is at fault. I have been doing quite a bit of reading and it seems that in a fair percentage of cases the device itself fails – port not working, it leaks, tube breaks etc. I want to know who covers this?

Pre-surgery dieting…

For awhile, perhaps more specifically over the past two or three weeks I’ve been eating with no regard for its impact – hey I’m gettin’ me a lap-band after all.

Yesterday I tried on the clothes I bought for the christening of my God Daughter. They don’t exactly fit anymore.

I don’t recall what led up to the purchase of the skirt and sweater – but I must have been behaving myself food wise in the week or so prior, because the skirt and sweater are in sizes smaller than I would usually buy – and I clearly recall being surprised by the numbers at the time. Even going as far to ponder that obviously retailers were doing that “down sizing” thing again – where they just move the numbers down – 22 is now a 20 etc.

So to curb my wanton disregard for prudence in my food choices, I am going to start the shakes. Early.

I have been collecting a variety of shakes, different brands, different flavours and I’m hoping to find one that is as palatable as the Dr Mccleods were. The Dr Mccleods shakes are too hard to get hold of and fairly expensive, so I’m going to start tomorrow.

This of course signals a descent into hell that is swift and reliable. 3 days of headaches, frantic food cravings, food obsessions and the shaky feeling of deprivation. Another week or two of food focussed days, then the sweet relief of the shakes doing their thing and my body adjusting and enjoying the relief of getting everything it needs without being overloaded by fat and carbs and junk.

My ticker says 2 months and 1 week until my surgery. It’s getting close.

no further movement

I still haven’t sent back the paperwork to the psychologist. I vacillate between wanting to just send them to get them off my desk, and desperately wishing I hadn’t filled them out until I’d carefully analysed each and every question.

I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be over-thinking the process this much, but it’s par for the course for me I find.

treading the boards

I’ve been doing the rounds of the boards, but have found this Yahoo one to be the most useful.

It’s nice to read what pre and post bandsters have to say. Reading through the posts has helped me prepare for what lies ahead.

Each day I’m feeling more confident.

Indecisive…

I filled out the psychometric-testing forms but I can’t bring myself to send them back. The pragmatist in me wants to call his rooms and ask for another copy so that I may fill them out with caution and device. I want to ask for another copy – but fear that if I ask outright they won’t give them to me. Consequently I feel that the only way to get another copy would be to lie – say I never received them or some such trivia.

Why am I struggling with this so much? The fear of being judged mentally unworthy is so, so much more scary than being judged as a fat woman.

Nothing carries a stigma like mental illness.

I have struggled/dealt with/co-existed with “mental illness” for many years now. In my 30s I have found peace, and deal with it on a daily basis in a responsible, respectful way. I know it’s there, lurking, waiting, biding its time. The most effective form of treatment I know has been to acknowledge it, be aware of its power and be vigilant.

Living with Bi-Polar II has been fun and harrowing, scary and exhilarating, and the biggest challenge. Being fat is nothing in comparison.

I know that is why this psychological assessment is disturbing me so, I need this surgery in order to have a chance at a healthy life, but I’m scared I’ll be judged mentally unfit.

Sometimes, no matter what you say, how you say it or what you do there is no coming back from telling someone that you have a mental illness. The judgement is swift and lasting.

Psychological assessment…

I just received the psychological assessment paperwork in the mail.

The practice I attend works with two pre-operative psychologists. I called the first one and made an appointment about a month ago. On Friday he called to change the time of the appointment, when I couldn’t change the time he became very beligerent. I contacted the other psychologist and have scheduled an appointment with him.

The first guy charges $80, this guy charges $165. The $80 guy is apparently of the “turn up, so-you-want-a-lap-band, ok, good luck” variety, $165 guy sent me a thick packet of information, and a 50 page personal/weight/family/psychological inventory, that I need to set aside 2hrs to complete.

As much as I welcome the opportunity to be frank, honest and open, the suspicious perfectionist in me is worried about giving the wrong answer, about giving an impression I didn’t intend, about being good enough to warrant surgery, and saying the right things in order to be allowed to continue.

This is an internal decision that I don’t feel I should have to explain or justify to anyone but myself. I don’t think I can fill out all of the questions, and I don’t want to post it back to him prior to our session – I would be more comfortable to give it to him in person. I’m not comfortable with the idea that his reception staff might read my answers.

Starting my journey

I knew I was ready when one day I heard myself say “I’ve had enough”.

I’ve had enough of being fat. I’ve had enough of feeling isolated, separated, discriminated against, tired, short of breath, achy, unfit and everything that comes with being overweight.

I saw a surgeon about 5 years ago to investigate the idea of Lap-Banding. For many reasons I didn’t take the idea any further, but it has been firmly in the back of my mind ever since. I’m glad I didn’t – there were many hiccups in the road that lay before me, and I suspect that any additional stress may have been too much, and the Lap-Band probably wouldn’t have worked for me.

Fast forward to January 2007. I met with a different surgeon, with a view to the most radical WLS possible – I was fat, I was going to have surgery, and damnit I was going to go all the way. It was Gastric Bypass surgery or nothing.

After speaking with the surgeon, and discussing my options more fully, I realised that a Lap-Band is likely to work for me, and pose the least amount of post surgery adjustment. (no pun intended)

I want this to be a personal story of my journey, so I won’t name my surgeon. If you want to know, contact me directly and I’ll let you know.

My surgeon’s office gave me a list of steps that are taken prior to surgery, let’s see where I’m at:

1. See surgeon to discuss options. Tick!

2. See dietitian to discuss food now and after. Tick!

3. See psychologist for pre-operative counselling. (23rd March 07)

4. See surgeon to make pre-op payment and check-in before surgery. (16th May 07)

5. Surgery. (24th May 2007.)

I’m calm and sure about this decision, and I feel a sense of relief that the journey has begun.