Indecisive…

I filled out the psychometric-testing forms but I can’t bring myself to send them back. The pragmatist in me wants to call his rooms and ask for another copy so that I may fill them out with caution and device. I want to ask for another copy – but fear that if I ask outright they won’t give them to me. Consequently I feel that the only way to get another copy would be to lie – say I never received them or some such trivia.

Why am I struggling with this so much? The fear of being judged mentally unworthy is so, so much more scary than being judged as a fat woman.

Nothing carries a stigma like mental illness.

I have struggled/dealt with/co-existed with “mental illness” for many years now. In my 30s I have found peace, and deal with it on a daily basis in a responsible, respectful way. I know it’s there, lurking, waiting, biding its time. The most effective form of treatment I know has been to acknowledge it, be aware of its power and be vigilant.

Living with Bi-Polar II has been fun and harrowing, scary and exhilarating, and the biggest challenge. Being fat is nothing in comparison.

I know that is why this psychological assessment is disturbing me so, I need this surgery in order to have a chance at a healthy life, but I’m scared I’ll be judged mentally unfit.

Sometimes, no matter what you say, how you say it or what you do there is no coming back from telling someone that you have a mental illness. The judgement is swift and lasting.

Psychological assessment…

I just received the psychological assessment paperwork in the mail.

The practice I attend works with two pre-operative psychologists. I called the first one and made an appointment about a month ago. On Friday he called to change the time of the appointment, when I couldn’t change the time he became very beligerent. I contacted the other psychologist and have scheduled an appointment with him.

The first guy charges $80, this guy charges $165. The $80 guy is apparently of the “turn up, so-you-want-a-lap-band, ok, good luck” variety, $165 guy sent me a thick packet of information, and a 50 page personal/weight/family/psychological inventory, that I need to set aside 2hrs to complete.

As much as I welcome the opportunity to be frank, honest and open, the suspicious perfectionist in me is worried about giving the wrong answer, about giving an impression I didn’t intend, about being good enough to warrant surgery, and saying the right things in order to be allowed to continue.

This is an internal decision that I don’t feel I should have to explain or justify to anyone but myself. I don’t think I can fill out all of the questions, and I don’t want to post it back to him prior to our session – I would be more comfortable to give it to him in person. I’m not comfortable with the idea that his reception staff might read my answers.

Starting my journey

I knew I was ready when one day I heard myself say “I’ve had enough”.

I’ve had enough of being fat. I’ve had enough of feeling isolated, separated, discriminated against, tired, short of breath, achy, unfit and everything that comes with being overweight.

I saw a surgeon about 5 years ago to investigate the idea of Lap-Banding. For many reasons I didn’t take the idea any further, but it has been firmly in the back of my mind ever since. I’m glad I didn’t – there were many hiccups in the road that lay before me, and I suspect that any additional stress may have been too much, and the Lap-Band probably wouldn’t have worked for me.

Fast forward to January 2007. I met with a different surgeon, with a view to the most radical WLS possible – I was fat, I was going to have surgery, and damnit I was going to go all the way. It was Gastric Bypass surgery or nothing.

After speaking with the surgeon, and discussing my options more fully, I realised that a Lap-Band is likely to work for me, and pose the least amount of post surgery adjustment. (no pun intended)

I want this to be a personal story of my journey, so I won’t name my surgeon. If you want to know, contact me directly and I’ll let you know.

My surgeon’s office gave me a list of steps that are taken prior to surgery, let’s see where I’m at:

1. See surgeon to discuss options. Tick!

2. See dietitian to discuss food now and after. Tick!

3. See psychologist for pre-operative counselling. (23rd March 07)

4. See surgeon to make pre-op payment and check-in before surgery. (16th May 07)

5. Surgery. (24th May 2007.)

I’m calm and sure about this decision, and I feel a sense of relief that the journey has begun.