Indecisive…

I filled out the psychometric-testing forms but I can’t bring myself to send them back. The pragmatist in me wants to call his rooms and ask for another copy so that I may fill them out with caution and device. I want to ask for another copy – but fear that if I ask outright they won’t give them to me. Consequently I feel that the only way to get another copy would be to lie – say I never received them or some such trivia.

Why am I struggling with this so much? The fear of being judged mentally unworthy is so, so much more scary than being judged as a fat woman.

Nothing carries a stigma like mental illness.

I have struggled/dealt with/co-existed with “mental illness” for many years now. In my 30s I have found peace, and deal with it on a daily basis in a responsible, respectful way. I know it’s there, lurking, waiting, biding its time. The most effective form of treatment I know has been to acknowledge it, be aware of its power and be vigilant.

Living with Bi-Polar II has been fun and harrowing, scary and exhilarating, and the biggest challenge. Being fat is nothing in comparison.

I know that is why this psychological assessment is disturbing me so, I need this surgery in order to have a chance at a healthy life, but I’m scared I’ll be judged mentally unfit.

Sometimes, no matter what you say, how you say it or what you do there is no coming back from telling someone that you have a mental illness. The judgement is swift and lasting.