So, the other day was my birthday…

and I turned 34. Boo yah. I’ve been a bit down since then, lost my momentum somehow.

Things with the band have been going well. Now that I’ve got a good level of restriction I’m losing about 1 – 1.5kg a week. But I’m just not feeling it at the moment.

I had been going so well with the gym, 3 -4 visits a week, a low impact class every 2 weeks or so, a personal training session, visible evidence of increased fitness and tone – the natural exercise high turned up to MAX. Then poof! it’s all gone. I just feel flat and washed out. I looked at myself in the mirror and a little voice said – “who do you think you’re kidding, you’re still fat, you’ve got years to go”. Reality bites.

psychologist, tick.

I saw the psychologist today. Last week I finally sent back the surveys, questionnaires and other assorted forms and tests he had sent to me. I agonised long and hard over every question, scared that I’d inadvertently say or indicate something that I hadn’t intended or cast me in an “unsuitable” light.

I needn’t have bothered. He had given the info a cursory glance – but advised he incorporates them into his work up after our initial session. That made me feel good – although initially I was a bit irked because I had spent so much time on the forms – and he so clearly hadn’t even bothered to read them!

Our session went for about an hour and 40 minutes. Which I felt was extremely generous – I had expected to see him for about 45mins perhaps an hour at the most. Our discussion was far reaching and he put me instantly at ease.

It was great to speak to someone unbiased and impartial but with a deep understanding of the issues and circumstance surrounding obesity, weightloss and Lap-Band surgery.

We will meet again 6 weeks post-op. I’m really starting to feel as though I’m on my way.

I still have some nagging questions I want to put to Blair though, I am in two minds about whether to make an appointment or to just wait until my pre-surgery consultation and ask the questions then.

My specific questions relate to the band itself, it’s longevity, whether it has a warranty (I know, I’m crazy!) and what happens if revision surgery is required that is clearly because the band is at fault. I have been doing quite a bit of reading and it seems that in a fair percentage of cases the device itself fails – port not working, it leaks, tube breaks etc. I want to know who covers this?

no further movement

I still haven’t sent back the paperwork to the psychologist. I vacillate between wanting to just send them to get them off my desk, and desperately wishing I hadn’t filled them out until I’d carefully analysed each and every question.

I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be over-thinking the process this much, but it’s par for the course for me I find.

Indecisive…

I filled out the psychometric-testing forms but I can’t bring myself to send them back. The pragmatist in me wants to call his rooms and ask for another copy so that I may fill them out with caution and device. I want to ask for another copy – but fear that if I ask outright they won’t give them to me. Consequently I feel that the only way to get another copy would be to lie – say I never received them or some such trivia.

Why am I struggling with this so much? The fear of being judged mentally unworthy is so, so much more scary than being judged as a fat woman.

Nothing carries a stigma like mental illness.

I have struggled/dealt with/co-existed with “mental illness” for many years now. In my 30s I have found peace, and deal with it on a daily basis in a responsible, respectful way. I know it’s there, lurking, waiting, biding its time. The most effective form of treatment I know has been to acknowledge it, be aware of its power and be vigilant.

Living with Bi-Polar II has been fun and harrowing, scary and exhilarating, and the biggest challenge. Being fat is nothing in comparison.

I know that is why this psychological assessment is disturbing me so, I need this surgery in order to have a chance at a healthy life, but I’m scared I’ll be judged mentally unfit.

Sometimes, no matter what you say, how you say it or what you do there is no coming back from telling someone that you have a mental illness. The judgement is swift and lasting.

Psychological assessment…

I just received the psychological assessment paperwork in the mail.

The practice I attend works with two pre-operative psychologists. I called the first one and made an appointment about a month ago. On Friday he called to change the time of the appointment, when I couldn’t change the time he became very beligerent. I contacted the other psychologist and have scheduled an appointment with him.

The first guy charges $80, this guy charges $165. The $80 guy is apparently of the “turn up, so-you-want-a-lap-band, ok, good luck” variety, $165 guy sent me a thick packet of information, and a 50 page personal/weight/family/psychological inventory, that I need to set aside 2hrs to complete.

As much as I welcome the opportunity to be frank, honest and open, the suspicious perfectionist in me is worried about giving the wrong answer, about giving an impression I didn’t intend, about being good enough to warrant surgery, and saying the right things in order to be allowed to continue.

This is an internal decision that I don’t feel I should have to explain or justify to anyone but myself. I don’t think I can fill out all of the questions, and I don’t want to post it back to him prior to our session – I would be more comfortable to give it to him in person. I’m not comfortable with the idea that his reception staff might read my answers.